The Loneliest Socialite

I always associate loneliness with similar symptoms to love. The symptom I find most significant is the bold sense of helplessness and the antagonising twist in your stomach as you realise how much the feeling is a part of you. The most ironic thing I also find is how you can even love others, and have others love you, yet still feel lonely, still feel like you're on a different planet to people. Being misunderstood is a huge part of loneliness.

I am not lonely because I have a lack of friends or people to talk to. I'm lonely because I struggle to actually talk about anything. I'm a blunt person. Ridiculously blunt. It's often commented on. Frankly, nothing anyone speaks about anymore is interesting and worth wasting more than mere few words on. Certain occasions arise where a conversation will spark an interest and you will get paragraphs out of me, but this is rare. As much as I love my own breasts and sexual intercourse, I quite simply cannot discuss it around the clock. I get bored. You look tedious and repetitive. I even had someone say that I could work in a strip club. I could work in a strip club, like any other woman on the planet. However, I'd like to think that my time in sixth form, doing foreign work placements and constantly writing would count to a little something more than ripping my clothes off in order to please sleazy men. 

The other part of being lonely is watching other people not be lonely. It's incredibly easy for pretty girls who have never had an issue getting a boy to like them to slate others for "begging" for a relationship online. Some of us don't have amazing confidence, some of us cannot relationship jump and frankly going outside to find a boyfriend is illogical. Shall I sit outside ASDA in a bikini with a sign saying "tfw no bf"? Not all of us find it easy to love others or receive love unto us. Some of us reject love because we don't know how to cope with it. I always found one of my talents was distancing myself from people. I suppose other people had always made me feel like I don't deserve love and I don't deserve to be happy, which in time drilled into my mind like it was nature to me. Frequently I sit up on my bed and just cry for a little while and mourn my smile asking where it went, questioning if it even existed in the first place. No one will ever know when that happens. Of course I make it obvious when I break. Every strong person has to break at some point. Some breaks are more severe than others, and the severe breakings are the ones I like to keep secret.

I get a lot of abuse off people, both online and offline. There are plenty of rumours going around about me and a lot of hearsay. People will go to extreme lengths to damage someone else's reputation and promote their's. Jealousy makes people spiteful, it makes them a monster. I recognise this, and that's why I prefer to stray towards arrogance instead of jealousy. I don't want to become envious and twisted like those who have caused me so much pain. No one will ever know how much it hurts, how isolated it feels. How soul destroying it is to hear "is that Jess Webb?" followed by an eruption of echoing laughter as if someone's told a joke thats won a Nobel prize. No one knows how many hate messages I have received or will ever receive, but I receive more than I let on I do. Of course there are messages of support, but the two are outnumbered. I feel alone in this situation. This makes me lonely. No matter how many times people will tell you not to care, not to worry, that they understand, they don't. They won't. 

Everything will seem fine, I will be smiling around my friends, I'll be the one cracking the jokes and you won't notice anything get to me, but I'm more conscientious than I'm made out to be. I'm cleverer than people think. I'm so proud of the thick arrogant, egotistic shell I've built. I'm glad I'm bold. I'm glad I'm outspoken. Sometimes I'm glad people hate me. I laugh at people who attempt to bring me down, but even I cannot walk away from the fact there are oodles and oodles of these people that bring me down without reason.

Totally without reason. I don't even know some.

It's lonely knowing that total strangers will hate you because of rumours they've heard. It's lonely to know that you are such a strong person surrounded by such weak ones. It's lonely to know there's so few people standing up for you, so few people in your army in a war that's meaningless. No one will ever understand it. I don't understand it myself. It hurts my brain, it dims my mind, it lowers my IQ thinking about it. 

Then it stops getting lonely and it starts to tug on my heartstrings. Its the worst thing in the world to know that the person you love the most doesn't want to be with you anymore because their friends are these kind of people and they don't want you to be happy, they want your smile to die. It's happened twice in the past year. I've been dropped on my arse because my own boyfriend can't even big me up to his friends. Then I have to sit back and watch as I'm made out to be the bad guy, my name dragged through the dirt, all my defenses cut. I have to sit back and watch that boy that I helped, I stayed up for, I cooked for, I fucked, I cuddled and cared for call me names under the sun, laugh with his friends about me and get with other girls days or weeks later.

Then I have to go through the entire "nudes leakage" fiasco. I remember being at my dad's at the time and curling up in the tepid room under a fur blanket crying my eyes out wondering if it'd ever get better. I had messages both abuse and supportive. I was a mess. I needed a friend right there with me to hold me and tell me it was going be okay. No one showed up. No one was there. I had to pull myself through what seemed like the worst thing in the world to happen to me with a few words on a screen. No one would listen to what I had to say about the situation. No one does even to this day. It was humiliating walking out the house again and even with my friends I felt isolated, like everyone was talking about me. I was paranoid, my trust had been abused. I still have so many trust issues. I get confused and frustrated with myself more than anyone.

It constantly feels like I'm screaming into a vacuum. 

It feels like no matter how many variations of this blog I could write, or how many times I could attempt to vent this issue to someone, I could never find the right words, the correct gist. I cannot connect with my reader when it comes to this issue, but I needed to write this blog. I need to write when I feel alone. Its daunting having so many thoughts with no one interested in you enough to vent them to.