The Loneliest Socialite

I always associate loneliness with similar symptoms to love. The symptom I find most significant is the bold sense of helplessness and the antagonising twist in your stomach as you realise how much the feeling is a part of you. The most ironic thing I also find is how you can even love others, and have others love you, yet still feel lonely, still feel like you're on a different planet to people. Being misunderstood is a huge part of loneliness.

I am not lonely because I have a lack of friends or people to talk to. I'm lonely because I struggle to actually talk about anything. I'm a blunt person. Ridiculously blunt. It's often commented on. Frankly, nothing anyone speaks about anymore is interesting and worth wasting more than mere few words on. Certain occasions arise where a conversation will spark an interest and you will get paragraphs out of me, but this is rare. As much as I love my own breasts and sexual intercourse, I quite simply cannot discuss it around the clock. I get bored. You look tedious and repetitive. I even had someone say that I could work in a strip club. I could work in a strip club, like any other woman on the planet. However, I'd like to think that my time in sixth form, doing foreign work placements and constantly writing would count to a little something more than ripping my clothes off in order to please sleazy men. 

The other part of being lonely is watching other people not be lonely. It's incredibly easy for pretty girls who have never had an issue getting a boy to like them to slate others for "begging" for a relationship online. Some of us don't have amazing confidence, some of us cannot relationship jump and frankly going outside to find a boyfriend is illogical. Shall I sit outside ASDA in a bikini with a sign saying "tfw no bf"? Not all of us find it easy to love others or receive love unto us. Some of us reject love because we don't know how to cope with it. I always found one of my talents was distancing myself from people. I suppose other people had always made me feel like I don't deserve love and I don't deserve to be happy, which in time drilled into my mind like it was nature to me. Frequently I sit up on my bed and just cry for a little while and mourn my smile asking where it went, questioning if it even existed in the first place. No one will ever know when that happens. Of course I make it obvious when I break. Every strong person has to break at some point. Some breaks are more severe than others, and the severe breakings are the ones I like to keep secret.

I get a lot of abuse off people, both online and offline. There are plenty of rumours going around about me and a lot of hearsay. People will go to extreme lengths to damage someone else's reputation and promote their's. Jealousy makes people spiteful, it makes them a monster. I recognise this, and that's why I prefer to stray towards arrogance instead of jealousy. I don't want to become envious and twisted like those who have caused me so much pain. No one will ever know how much it hurts, how isolated it feels. How soul destroying it is to hear "is that Jess Webb?" followed by an eruption of echoing laughter as if someone's told a joke thats won a Nobel prize. No one knows how many hate messages I have received or will ever receive, but I receive more than I let on I do. Of course there are messages of support, but the two are outnumbered. I feel alone in this situation. This makes me lonely. No matter how many times people will tell you not to care, not to worry, that they understand, they don't. They won't. 

Everything will seem fine, I will be smiling around my friends, I'll be the one cracking the jokes and you won't notice anything get to me, but I'm more conscientious than I'm made out to be. I'm cleverer than people think. I'm so proud of the thick arrogant, egotistic shell I've built. I'm glad I'm bold. I'm glad I'm outspoken. Sometimes I'm glad people hate me. I laugh at people who attempt to bring me down, but even I cannot walk away from the fact there are oodles and oodles of these people that bring me down without reason.

Totally without reason. I don't even know some.

It's lonely knowing that total strangers will hate you because of rumours they've heard. It's lonely to know that you are such a strong person surrounded by such weak ones. It's lonely to know there's so few people standing up for you, so few people in your army in a war that's meaningless. No one will ever understand it. I don't understand it myself. It hurts my brain, it dims my mind, it lowers my IQ thinking about it. 

Then it stops getting lonely and it starts to tug on my heartstrings. Its the worst thing in the world to know that the person you love the most doesn't want to be with you anymore because their friends are these kind of people and they don't want you to be happy, they want your smile to die. It's happened twice in the past year. I've been dropped on my arse because my own boyfriend can't even big me up to his friends. Then I have to sit back and watch as I'm made out to be the bad guy, my name dragged through the dirt, all my defenses cut. I have to sit back and watch that boy that I helped, I stayed up for, I cooked for, I fucked, I cuddled and cared for call me names under the sun, laugh with his friends about me and get with other girls days or weeks later.

Then I have to go through the entire "nudes leakage" fiasco. I remember being at my dad's at the time and curling up in the tepid room under a fur blanket crying my eyes out wondering if it'd ever get better. I had messages both abuse and supportive. I was a mess. I needed a friend right there with me to hold me and tell me it was going be okay. No one showed up. No one was there. I had to pull myself through what seemed like the worst thing in the world to happen to me with a few words on a screen. No one would listen to what I had to say about the situation. No one does even to this day. It was humiliating walking out the house again and even with my friends I felt isolated, like everyone was talking about me. I was paranoid, my trust had been abused. I still have so many trust issues. I get confused and frustrated with myself more than anyone.

It constantly feels like I'm screaming into a vacuum. 

It feels like no matter how many variations of this blog I could write, or how many times I could attempt to vent this issue to someone, I could never find the right words, the correct gist. I cannot connect with my reader when it comes to this issue, but I needed to write this blog. I need to write when I feel alone. Its daunting having so many thoughts with no one interested in you enough to vent them to.

Nudity and the Wayward Generation

Anyone who knows me will know my feelings towards self respect, nudity and the receiving and "leaking" of naked images. I'm quite outspoken about these things, but I'd like to further establish my feelings in the form of a blog. More characters and thinking space gives me more justification, which hopefully won't end up with me sounding too forward or promiscuous. 

A lot of people these days seem to link self respect with nudity. I disagree with this connection. I believe that self respect should be exactly what the term implies- respecting yourself. This would entail keeping yourself fit, making yourself happy and doing what's best for you. Though while some may argue keeping yourself covered up is what is "best", we have to consider why these people may say these things. So we don't get sexually assaulted? So we don't offend people? So we have something to leave to the imagination? So children don't get corrupted? But of course times are changing, we know it is not the fault of the victim in a sexual assault, people should not get offended over anatomy, there's plenty beyond our body that we can leave people to figure out (one of my favourite quotes is "seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever") and with the television shows, the films, the social media children are exposed to these days, I very much doubt the few inches of cleavage you just tutted at in the street will make a huge impact upon them.

The sooner we stop sexualising bodies, the sooner we will see a change. Mothers cannot breast feed children because of the revelation of a breast yet there is nothing sexual about breast feeding at all. There have been news stories of even if a mother and child are in a quiet part of the restaurant complaints against breast feeding. It seems our society is more offended than ever before, but only really about women's parts. The female anatomy has transformed into a sort of taboo. 

I feel so strongly about this matter because it affected me closely not so long ago. I had my personal image sent around and people mocked me for my body. It was of course humiliating at first, because those were personal images. They were not taken to please the eyes of the inquisitive perverts. I received a lot of abuse about it. But why? Can we not get over the fact that female bodies differ in shape, size, colour etc? The mole on my stomach served as quite a discussion point to some, but not once when I have became intimate with a male have I been rejected because of a mole. It seems if we strip off then we are made to feel bad. Never in a million years do you expect something quite so horrible to happen to you, but when it does you must brace yourself for the backlash. No man nor woman should never be put down for their body, but I feel as if women get more stick for personal images, especially due to the rise of revenge porn. If anyone has suffered this, you can contact me on Facebook and I will do my best to help you through it. It can be devastating but someone to pull you through is all you need sometimes. I'd imagine it'll happen to every girl at some point, whether on a large or small scale. Do not think you are alone in this.

When will such a barbaric view of anatomy serve its time? Can we not indulge in a new perspective yet? 

The wayward view of nudity also affects men. I find it offensive to men to suggest that they cannot handle their sexuality due to lack of clothes. Men have control over their sexuality (of course in some cases both men and women choose to lose control), they are not neanderthals. To blame a victim of sexual assault or rape for their attack due to lack of clothing is a naive and frankly ridiculous view to look at things.

In this blog I'd also like to discuss "slut-shaming". Sleeping with numerous people is what some people would say a sign of lack of self respect. I don't understand how, however. If a woman is safe, gets herself checked out and does the dirty with a single man then where is the issue? I agree, if the guy is taken then she may be seen as a slut or a homewrecker. Not all women are built for relationships, likewise with men. Women also get scared of commitment, women also want fun and no ties at some points. It is often said that a man is legend if he sleeps with loads of women, but a woman is a slut if she sleeps with loads of men and it's true, isn't it? Personally, I don't sleep around much, but if another woman wants to then who am I to stop her? Sometimes I think people need to get their own sex lives instead of slating everyone else's. There are worse things going on in the world than hanky panky. Sexual liberation for women was first introduced with the invention of the pill, which allowed a contraceptive that meant women were in control. Before a man could prick a condom, or simply not wear one and if the woman got pregnant, he could easily leave her. The pill helped do away with this. On one hand, you may say that this idea of a girl being a slut for sleeping with different men is men's way of punishing women for their sexual liberation, similarly to women in patriarchal literature. For example, Beatrice in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" is portrayed as the "bad" female in the novel, the less innocent one, because she does not want to get married and she wants to dispose of her sexuality as she pleases, whereas her cousin Hero is portrayed as the innocent one and when she is framed for sleeping with another man while she is betrothed to Claudio (who I despised in the play- he did not deserve Hero back), she was shamed without any chance to stand up for herself. Not my personal viewpoint, but something interesting to think about. Of course with the loosening of the rules with abortion, as discussed in another blog, women gained more control over their sexuality. I think that women's sexuality will always be never ending discussion of morality and of equality- which one is best to have? Is there any difference?

To conclude this blog, I'd like to hope that together we can over come our issues with female anatomy. We should stop being offended by a bit of breast or cleavage. There is plenty worse that could happen to mankind than female genitalia. We also need to stop picking on others and invading privacy for our own credibility and twisted pleasure. It's time to put a stop to slut shaming and body shaming. If I have at any point sounded misandrist I have not meant to (I love men, I promise). I think that both men and women are important to note when it comes to nudity and sexuality and that the viewpoints from both genders are equally important to think about.

What is Love? (Baby don't hurt me)

Of course the definition of such a word is relevant to an individual. To some a relationship may be more sexual, to others the intercourse takes time. To me though, relationships are something deeper. Something that should go beyond the sexual feelings and the "I-I like like you" shameful displays. 

If any of you reading this blog follow or have me added on Facebook, you will know I make such a big deal out if relationships and you will also know I get much abuse because of my alleged "desperation". 

Now it's difficult to explain in a status update, mainly because a) nobody gives that much care to read (it appears to me that the only statuses that grab real attention are the ones that are ironic and controversial not necessarily explanatory) and b) I started this blog to explain and enlighten those who care about me enough to read my blog. 

I don't have many friends who I meet up with on a regular basis perhaps 2 or 3 at most and while I do enjoy the company of my friends, they have their own lives, own partners and own commitments. When I'm in a relationship the feeling of loneliness goes away because someone finally has an excuse to make the effort with me and come over to see me

And gosh! What joy! I enjoy making 2 cups of tea instead of 1, I enjoy asking how many sugars and how much milk, I love making 2 sandwiches. I love taking care of someone else.

Perhaps this desire is driven by the fact some say I love somewhat selfishly. They are to an extent correct. I do live for me, myself, my wants, my needs and perhaps my bluntness and honesty flows before I consider someone else's feelings. I smoke, I drink, I'm a bit outspoken, a bit controversial- I don't want to change no but I do recognise my faults and I also recognise how less selfish I feel in relationships and perhaps this is selfish again of me, which leaves me in an oxymoron, nonetheless the best kind of oxymoron. 

However I cannot avoid the influence  reading has had on my expectations of love. I'm a lot more widely read than people give me credit for. Most of my vocabulary, morals and knowledge come from books. I prefer to interpret books and apply them to my own life instead of being told what to do by someone middle aged and who has had different life experiences to me and has a different mindset. From a young age my parents got me reading, even making up their own stories to tell me before bed, which has later on encouraged me to engage in a passion for writing and begin my own novels. 

I know that love does not always have happy endings, I know that love is not always easy but I also know that love will never be as blissful as a John Green novel nor as downbeat as Wuthering Heights. 

My mother and I once got onto the subject of marriage when I mentioned I wanted a Jurassic Park themed wedding to which she replied about how she was pleased to see that her and my fathers separation hadn't had an impact on my views of marriage. 

But it has. Everyone who knows me knows I despise marriage. Perhaps I always have and just never thought about it until the separation. What was once a religious and eternal promise is now a piece of paper torn up by people at their own free will. People may as well not get married. I explained this to my mother along with a monologue of how I don't want a man to tie me down, how I could earn so much money yet have to halve it with a man when he wakes up one day and decides he does not love me anymore. She told me that I don't believe in monogamy but this is also incorrect. 

Then it occurred to me that I do believe in monogamy and that marriage is still a massive COULD HAPPEN in my life (God help that hypothetical man) but I did not believe in eternity, I did not believe it's last forever. People fall in and out of love all the time. Love does exist but does eternal love? 

And this is my issue because we cannot distinguish between the two. We always consider love as eternal when we are with someone, but when they leave we spend time sobbing to Bridget Jones movies with ice cream in Jammies convincing ourselves "it'll never happen again". 

But it does. 

Which makes me realise it is not love I want but I want perhaps the predicates of love. I want consistency, I want affection, I want someone "there", I want passion, I want late night conversations, I want to smoke and watch the stars, I want to cuddle up in a jumper and knee highs and watch lame movies, I want cute dates, I want hot sex, I want a happy ever after. 

But do I want love? No. 

Because you can fake love throughout the whole thing. I want proof. I want sufficient evidence. I study philosophy and love is just an outdated theodicy. I don't want anymore "I love you :) I mean it!" because it is not meant, because we both know one day you'll get bored and leave. 

If there should ever come a time where I go into a relationship with someone and they take me out for my favourite food, take me home, lay a bed of roses, put Jurassic Park on, give the rough love we both need and then let me smoke in bed in his t shirt and nothing more, then wake up, put his boxers on and nothing more to make him bacon and if he appreciates it, then yes I will eat my words, I will scream it to the heavens, why as the saying goes I will even "eat my own hat" but until that time I will leave with a Shakespeare quote: "I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear he loves me". 

Abortion- Who Are We Really Killing?

After having read an article this morning in The Independent about a suicidal woman forced to have a caesarean after having been denied an abortion in Ireland. This is eerily similar to the case in 2012 when an Indian dentist, Savita Halappanavar, was refused a life saving abortion because "Ireland is a Catholic country". Then, Dr Peter Boyle, leading obstetrician in Ireland, said that it's highly likely that Mrs Halappanavar would have will been alive if the termination was granted. Too little, too late, doc. 

It saddens me that in 2014 women are denied the right an abortion. Even if Ireland is a Catholic country, there is the doctrine of double effect, where an abortion can be granted if the life of the mother is endangered, so incidents like these push religion further down into the abyss of rejection and the secular society throws tomatoes and spires at it relentlessly, even though religion isn't the bad guy. 

There has been a recent sexual liberation for women. With the introduction of the pill and other forms of female contraception women can finally have a similar amount of control to men when it comes to conception. Abortion is a last resort in all cases. No woman wants an abortion and no woman should be forced to have one or to not have one. 

But here we are still dictating what women should do with their own wombs as if abortion is a walk in the park. If a woman requests an abortion, she has not made the choice uninformed. It is her body, thus her choice. Some may debate that abortion is a breach of civil rights on the foetus' behalf but how is it logical to assume that the foetus' rights come before a living woman's? A foetus is not the same as a baby and it is time people realised that. 

When it comes to some "religious" people are concerned (I won't use the term "religion" itself as it is too general and religion would generally oppose things that a lot of people do in the name of religion), they are no saints. In America some pro life protestors have been known to hurl eggs at women coming out of abortion clinics. In Australia there are fake abortion clinics set up by the "religious" that shows women the stages of abortion and encourages other routes of action in order to put them off having an abortion. 

This is wrong. Although our society is majorly secular, there is very little people can do to change pro life ideologies but for any woman who has faced an abortion or might have to face one one day, as long as you you didn't let anyone tell you what to do, whether it was something you had to do due to financial situations, family situations or health risks or whether it was something you wanted to do i.e you wanted to focus on your career, you didn't want to raise a child in your current relationship, wanted to wait until you married etc. You are all strong women and if you don't get an abortion when someone was forcing it upon you, you are still a strong woman. Don't let anyone tell you you didn't love that foetus if you did the best thing for it. 

To sum up, we are not killing a baby, we're terminating a pregnancy. If we delete abortion, we kill women's rights, we kill women's hope and we may be killing babies if the baby is born into an unready family.

Article from The Independent surrounding abortion in Ireland 
False Abortion Clinics in Australia

Introduction

Introduction

Hello. I'm Jess Webb, 17 years old living in the UK. Due to my passion for English literature I've decided to start this blog. Sometimes I feel as if there are too many words and ideas swirling around my mind and it's recently become rather unhealthy keeping them all in. A Facebook status won't suffice and neither will the ignorant comments that come with it. I feel as it a blog would give me more leverage and space to voice my ideas so they can be understood easier. 

I'm not a normal person. I don't mean that in a LOL RANDOM WEIRD XD kind of way. I'm quite wayward and cynical with how I see the world. This blog might inspire, it might change lives or perspectives, or it might not it may just be a collaboration of cheap, hypocritical teenage girl ramblings. Either way I aim to entertain and perhaps educate on a few matters. A lot of my opinions are misunderstood or taken the wrong way so hopefully this blog will prove that I'm not a bad person, I'm just a different person. I don't see the world in a similar way to everyone else and not many people like that. 

Blogging should be consistent, daily if not more. I always have an opinion to voice or something to get off my chest. I suppose this blog will become a best friend to me also. It becomes tediously lonely to have so many ideas and no one to speak to about them. People are afraid of new ideas because they are foreign and may disrupt the status who and sometimes outcast the deliverer of such ideas. I aim for this blog to conquer that.