Bad Girl

You say you're the one with the "tormented mind", but you're the one who torments the minds of others. I don't want this to turn nasty nor bitter, but if you want to make me out to be a bad girl, sans slapping my ass and pulling my hair, then so be it.

Revenge? Not my game. Cute that you see it that way though. Revenge would be me fucking someone if I wanted to hurt you, which isn't true. I don't want to hurt you, I never could hurt you. Not like you could me, where you hurt me everyday, every time you don't pick up the phone, every time you leave a text containing a thousand good byes without explanation.

Then crying myself sick because I wasn't enough to make you stay, but somehow you'd wake up and everything would be okay for another few hours.

And God, I loved it when we were cute. Those text messages are what keep me going sometimes.

So why on earth did you have to ruin it?

This wasn't me, I'm not the bad guy.

You wouldn't even kiss me, would hold my hand loose when I was dying to squeeze yours. "Don't want to get attached" you'd say, cute excuse, insufficient, though.

Because it just wasn't my lips you wanted to kiss, mine were the second best, the ones you'd kiss if she didn't want to kiss yours. You know I'd kiss at any point in time. You knew I'd be a fool just for one peck on the lips. The power of hindsight shows me how stupid it all was really. How blinded I was to stare at your lips in desperate anticipation of something that could never be mine.

And you wouldn't even hold my hand to cross the roads, not even if a car was coming. Metaphors are fun, especially when they're dark.

Don't make me out to be a bad girl. I've left you 30+ missed calls when you disappeared before. Frantic. Hysterical. Sleep comes so difficult to me in case I wake up where you don't. Then you'd come back without apology, like it didn't even fucking happen. I'd have spent hours puffing smoke into the gloomy night sky just to create a smoky silhouette of you in case there'd be no more you to exist. But you'd come back. Only to do the same the next day.

And I just wanted you to get help, I just want to be your help. But I need help too. I can't do the breathing for the both of us, though I wish I could. I know you think I'm strong but even I break.

And you just, don't want to look after me, and that's fine, but others do.

I begged to be yours, I begged, and begged. You said no, over and over. I'd ask to see you, you'd blow me off, oversleep.

I'm not yours. As much as I adore you and can love you, you can't love or adore me. You can't own me. You didn't want to.

So maybe I found myself under a duvet with another and so what? So did you, when you told me you couldn't. You couldn't hold my hand, because it was too busy being shoved up another.

You'll have no idea how much it hurt to find out in the form of a passionate blog. At least my sex wasn't scrawled across the internet and sent you. I told you straight up what was happening. If it hurt you, it wasn't supposed to.

But you can only push people so far.

I always asked where I stood, you'd tell me to move on. I did something that made me happy, and you hated it. I have the control over my life that you don't. You try to control me but I see right through it, and you hate it, don't you? Even as I'm writing this I'm on the phone to your voice mail for the seventeenth time today. Frantic. Where are you now? Are you asleep? Zombiefied? Stupefied?

My actions weren't out of revenge. They were out of selfishness, perhaps. But it's my turn to be happy for once.

And now I'm stuck in a limbo. Liminal. Should I stay or should I go? Torn between my own happiness and yours. Would you ever care for me half as much as I do for you? Or will you continue to take my feelings and turn them against me?

And while you lie sedated, I lie restless. You probably think I'm scheming, plotting my next move, I'm out to get you, am I? Don't force me to be.

And sure we'd have been cute. I would have cooked bacon all crispy for you, for me. But I can't cook bacon for someone who won't start the goddam cooker, can I?

SO slander me all over that Tumblr. Forget all the good I've done. You know I never wear underwear to bed, what a silly assumption! I've stayed up night upon night waiting on you, given you my voice to calm you, given you my time, my constant attention, advice, for you to throw it in my face.

"The circumstances are different" because it is not my tears are falling this time, it's yours.

Make me out to be a bad girl, but only within reason. I'm not your bad girl and according to you I never would be. Don't blame me for your mistakes. Accept some responsibility for once, try to win me back, or don't, but don't play the victim, not now.

A World

So it's come to this once again,
Sitting with a cigarette in an ocean of disdain,
Talking you out of a mistake,
A mistake that would destroy all in its wake,
Destroy the world as I know it,
Strip me bare and throw me into a lion pit,
Curling into a ball on my garden floor,
Imagining you lying there in a pool of gore,
Begging and pleading, but not in the way I want to be,
Just begging and pleading you to stay with me,
Sometimes you disappear,
And I'm forced to fear,
Waking up in a world that doesn't have you,
Waking up in a world that's cruel and new,
And I have to confront the nightmares,
As the ghost of you dares,
To crawl into my bed at night,
And refuses to turn out the light,
And give my nipples a cheeky bite,
To remind me that for me you couldn't fight,
Because there are a million things you have yet to see,
From this world together we can flee,
You just have to hold my hand and trust me,
Death would never be the key.
And if I should ever have to stop imagining a world without you,
And I'd have to start to confront that world 'cause its true.

I read your writing,
It's as good as mine,
But it provoked a feeling in me,
A feeling quite sublime,
Because I've been loving you too much,
And you've been needing me too little,
While I've been getting passionate over you,
You've been getting passionate over someone else,
And all the tears that I've cried,
The little ones you'll never hear,
Dropped indeed, into an ocean of disdain,
But also into a deeper sea of inner pain.
I know you hurt, but I hurt too,
I look into your eyes, your soul, but you look straight through,
I could curl up into a ball one thousand times,
I could pray for you,
I could write you rhymes,
But the way my hair falls will never be beautiful as hers,
And the way I smile won't thrill you in the same way,
And my lipstick won't disobey my lips,
Because despite my bosom, the lips I lack,
You could've cut me some slack,
I did my best for you,
But bests aren't good enough when you're at the back of the queue,
I could save your life a thousand times,
But I won't have the sweet ass like her,
I could grow my nails,
Just to rip out my heart,
Give you on your birthday,
Twelfth of June by the way,
Just to have you put it in a box,
And give it to her another day.

It's not the competition I care about,
It's the lies.
Love is difficult I get it,
But when I look into your eyes,
A thousand words plague my mind at once,
And only the dumbest escape.
I know I'm doomed,
But I flee to my fate,
Because a world without you,
Would be a world diseased with darkness.
No shared cigarettes,
Dirty, little cigarettes.
And I've been working on this writing,
For a matter of weeks,
So the rhyming pattern is distorted,
And it makes no fucking sense,
But the thought of you upsets me,
But warms me at the same time,
And I need to get it down on a dumbass blog post,
How much I pine,
How much you mean,
How little I do,
You're not the only one with a fucked up mind,
You just can't see that,
And while it's difficult for you,
It's difficult for me too,
A world without you,
Wouldn't be a world without me,
But it would be a world,
Without any chance of happiness,
Because every fucking day of my life,
I'd spend wondering what if,
And sometimes I feel like,
Walking away is the only way,
I can be safe again,
Far away, from you,
From her,
From that writing that,
Is really, very good,
And I wish,
You felt like that,
About me,
But you don't,
So maybe,
A world without you,
Won't be your choice,
But mine,
And maybe,
I will be just fine,
In a world without you,
Maybe not,
But I can't,
Feel for someone who,
Feels for someone else,
How I feel about them.