Naughty

A smile. A laugh. A glance across the table. An "excuse me, Miss" and a slither down beside me. There's so many people in this room, I know, but I can only see, smell, hear, feel, taste you. Just you. Oh Gosh. It's only the first course of the meal. Five to go. Gosh, I want you. How. The fuck. Are we going to make it through all this food? Don't fill yourself up too much, there's going to be something sweeter at home.

A hand on my leg. I love those hands. Those fingers. I feel the goosebumps, my heart stops, my voices catches. Oh, people are actually speaking to us. We're both acting oblivious. I feel your hand sliding its way up. "Yes yes, still single, yes, well right... guy hasn't come al...ong yet". I smile. I beam. I blush. You love it when I blush. How do they not know? I wish you were mine. I fold my legs. I shut you out. Not here. Not now.

You're chatting away now to your friend. He introduces you to his friend. She's pretty. She has bright eyes, glittering in the candlelight. There's a lump in my throat, but yesterday it was your lump in my throat. I'm going to be sick. I... your hand's on my leg again. Yet you're flirting away with her. This isn't fair. I blush harder, there's red of angry melded into my cheeks. Two can play this game... Your twisted little ga...me.

Oops, did I just spill water all over that immaculate crotch? Whoops, deary me, what am I like? Let me dry that up for you. We evacuate ourselves. We go out for a cigarette. You complain about the cold hitting the water around your crotch. It cannot be as cold as your heart, though, can it? I watch the cigarette smoke curl out of your mouth, gorgeous mouth, lucky cigarette. You're wearing your tux, the one I helped you pick out a few months ago. You smirk down at me, say "lets get out of here" then we are out of there, we are running away from that horrible several course meal.

We're in the taxi now, you're grinning. You catch me looking at you. You stop grinning. You lean over, kiss me, kiss me deep, slow, fast, cold, hot, all at once. I kiss back, I don't stop. I'm not holding back. I want those lips, I want your soul against my soul. Taxi ride is taking too long. How much fu...rther? Oh no don't grab my dress th...ere. But do. I'm melting in your hands. You feel it, I feel it. You know it, you love it, you love my moaning and gasping and my wanting more.

Get home. Throw me on the bed. Won't be needing those panties, no. Stuff them in my mouth we're ready to go. Tie my hands up, position with my bottom up. You love it that way, you love me every way. Pull my hair. Apologise for the flirting with the other girl. She won't compare to your slut, you say. Nothing compares to me. Nothing, master, nothing. You explain, you say its too complicated right now, and you can't stay with me, you can't be with me, you can't commit to me, but you won't get jealous if someone else says with me, is with me, commits to me, but we both know someone else won't suffice. I don't say it, I can't say anything with my little panties in my little mouth, but my eyes say it.

There's a glimmer in your eye, you stop talking. You take off your clothes. You look perfect. Body sculptured by the gods. Do you know what is like being in love with someone who only loves you when you're being humiliated? Do you love me back perhaps? Do you love me without the tying and the gagging? Do you master, do you?

I love that touch, touch me more, touch me harder, throw my clothes on the floor. I hear you grunt. I know you crave. I know you more, than you think I do. I know you're hurting. I know you care. I know you'd be with me, I know I'm your air. I'm your guilty pleasure, the one you try not to call, the one you avoid more than anyone, anyone at all. I know at dinner you hated the company, but I know you love mine and now I'm here in your arms I know it'll just be fine.

You say to call you daddy, I prefer master. I say it a few times over, then I say for you to go faster. It felt weird at first, not calling you by your name, but I understand it's better this way, trust issues are to blame. Only do it from behind, it's my favourite place, only because, I can't see your face. No... no that's not an insult, please, sir, I just prefer it when I'm totally numb. I hate that you're not mine, yet I'm under the thumb. You take the panties out of my mouth, say you prefer my moans, pull my hair up right to your face, kiss my neck, spank my bum, tell me we're both a disgrace. I laugh. It's funny. We're funny, you and I. This twisted little fucking game.

Collapse in your arms, you collapse on my breast. It's not over now, its not over yet. Pick me up by my thighs, pin me up the wall, look into my eyes... not even only my eyes, you're looking at everything, my soul's exposed, right there, I can see the reflection in your perfect pupils. I wriggle and writhe, makes you thrust more, I can't take it much more. I look at you, that face, oh gosh you are so cute. Even when you're dominating me, even when you humiliate me, do you know how much I adore that look? That look of concentration, the look of pure awe. You look at me like I was the first woman on earth, the first one at all. I cannot help but blush and write even more under your gaze. This time I hope you stay for days. Once it was a week, another time a mere hour. I could stay here with you, forever and ever.

Smear it all over me. I love that too. Feels like I'm your property. I belong to you. Fall asleep, me after you, I prefer to see you, safe and sound, in my breasts, which are red from being bound. Watch your eyelashes, how they flutter, play with your hair, hear you mutter.

Fall asleep, next to you. Wake up, next to somebody else.

Your eyes are black. Your nose is bleeding. Your nails have ashes underneath. Your phone bleeps with messages sorry mate it's been a year, need any help giz us a call, here for you friend, I know you loved that girl. What girl? What? You're screaming and thrashing a broken mirror, you broke that last week don't you remember? See a picture of us, smash it up... Kick the door down, swear and cuss. What did I do? But you don't hear, you're on a rampage now, your mindset unclear. Curse and swear, say shit she's gone, but I'm here I'm here, I'm screaming for you now. Stand infront of your vexed state. Another nightmare about her, another nightmare about you, why do you haunt me, is it out of hate? Not even a nightmare, just a dream, about you. You're angry. Why? Darling what's the matter? I loved her, you say, I loved her and she never knew, maybe she did, maybe she does. Do you love me? Do I love you? Slave, slut are you there? Do you hear your master? You walk toward me, you look right at me, yes I'm here, I'm here I say. You walk right through me.

Master, master, did your love kill me? Did it kill us both? Who is the dead one out of you and I? Your slut till the end, a slave to your testosterone. You killed me, master, I should've known. Killed me one night, you got jealous didn't you, sir? Saw me talking to another man, one that'd treat me better. You knew you loved me, you knew you cared, you just knew you were too selfish to ever really be there. Smashed his face in, took a bottle to mine. No one knows it was you, do they "daddy"? Which is why I haunt your mind. There was no me at the table. No one knows what happened to that glass. The taxi driver deemed you crazy. You didn't actually slap my ass. Slut till the end, slave to your testosterone, but your baby, I'll be forever more, until you meet me here. Never again could you fornicate, never again could you care, because your baby is gone and so is your mind. I re-enacted your favourite nightmare.

Autumn

Red, orange, red, green, yellow. Autumn has embraced us once again. Her auburn smile greets us elegantly, her exquisite taste for unpredicted rain hits us. The sudden coldness might make you ill or encompass you in fatigue, but do you care? The sun is sinking. Good bye sun, good bye old friend. Shall we ever meet again? Summer seems so far away but I know you are worth the wait. Until then I shall settle for Autumn and her ginger hair. I miss my sun, I miss the warmth, I miss the familiarity of his shine. Why did my sun go? Why must it always leave? Why must I get left in a new, cold world? I cannot shake Autumn, I cannot get the word off my lips, she has come and you have gone. Her foliage temperamental, her temperature tangible, how will I last in this inconsistency alone? You always seem to fade away when it gets a bit colder, when the colours seem to change, you change with the seasons, but you're omnipresent to me. Always high above me in that sky, in the mind, my mind, the dirty, gloomy sky of my mind. 

What am I to do when the sun stops shining completely? When you're gone forever? I lose my breath when you're hidden behind a cloud for a day or two. Where do you go? Do you enjoy the cloud's company more so than mine? One day will you vanish forever? You tease me, when you're high in the sky, you blind me, you stun me, yet you do not warm me, you don't play fair. 

I could never set on you, you know. I could never blind you or hide from you. Tell me how can my sun enjoy the chase so much?  Why must I suffer the Cold so much? 

Then, when I don't suffer the Cold, when I enjoy the Cold, when I embrace him like he embraces me, why do you get angry? Why does envy fill your heart? You chose to hide behind that cloud, you chose to stop warming me. I'm alone, I must surrender myself to Cold. You began to melt my heart and after you left it froze right back up again. You'll be back again soon to repeat the process, the saddest thing is that I'll enjoy it.

Oh Autumn, how I hate to love thee. I feel fear when I hear the sneers and jeers of the Trees, how they hound me, how they follow me. It can be awfully more daunting in your dark Autumn, to be left alone in streets full of Trees. Do you know how much they dislike girls like me? Yet do you know how little they know about girls like me? Tell me, when will your wrath make the trees die? Will they ever die? Will the voices ever stop? Autumn, I need you to help me, but you just do not listen, I cry out to you, I hold out my hand, but you reject, you let the Trees continue. They will follow me to my death, won't they? What if the Trees push me to it, Autumn? Will my sun punish them? Will you? Will the Cold?

It is dark, Autumn. Too dark to see. I cannot see what is happening right in front of me. I cannot make out all the shapes and shadows, until they are close enough to pass me by. Why do you taunt me Autumn? Why do I love it so much? I enjoyed the sun's games too much, and now I enjoy yours too. Oh, is this masochist? Am I wrong for liking this? 

The sun, I need my sun back, please come back, hoist me to safety, I cannot bear this golden blanket anymore. Do you even hear my pleading? Do you follow me in the days? Are you looking at me? Do you suffer in silence after seeing what you did to me?

It is dark and I need my sun back. I am hurt and I miss it. I miss the sun, the Cold cannot suffice anymore. I need the sun. I need you. Do you hear my pleas? Do you see my wounds? Can you feel the heat of the hell I'm in?

Come back; come back.

I Want You

I have been waiting years for the certain element called "love". I've felt it for what months? Years? (The time is hard to tell) for you, but to have it with you would be a phenomenon. Do you know how often I think about you? About what could be? The subjunctive mood takes it toll on "love" when it comes to us. I've become a fan of waiting, being your scapegoat and eagerly wishing to be yours, to hold your hand, to be the reason behind that brilliant smile.

I want you. Plato says that morals are relevant to the individual, so how about we become an individual being and make our own morals? Can we make our loves ours? Will our story be a compelling one?

I want to hold your hand in public, I want to drink coffee with you, I want to make you laugh by being cynical, but I also want to provoke your thoughts by being so. I want to be yours on winter nights, darling, I want to feel your warmth as I curl up in your lap. I want to hear the heartbeat, beat. Beat. I want to make a rota of who should make the breakfast in bed and I want cute showers. I want to wash you, feel you, pull you closer and tease you. Gosh I want that smile behind that wet hair. I want to dry you, to touch that skin. I want to be sleepless about you, I want you to haunt me in my dreams and my nightmares. You always made it difficult to distinguish between the two.

But I don't want it all to be perfect. I want blazing fights and flaming passion. I want petrol to be added to the fire we have. I want angry arguments, swearing. Fuck. Bitch. Slut. Twat.. I need a bit of roughness, putting in my place. Do you not think I am so outspoken sometimes? Did you ever see Taming of the Shrew? I want arguments, but I want there to always be a solution. I don't want you to ever fall asleep mad at me, but I want you to fall asleep holding me in your heart closer than ever. We both know how hard it is for me to hurt someone. I could never intentionally hurt you.

You know the morning after exactly how I'll roll out of bed, covered in bruises from the make up sex, in your t shirt, too big for me as it hangs off my back. You know how the cigarette will look in my mouth, you know how your boxers will look on my bum, my thighs, against my skin tone. You'll just know, know, know. You'll dawdle outside into the sunrise with me in the garden, looking ridiculous in oversized clothing, and you'll light up your own cigarette and just gaze. You'll know. You'll know how much I've ever wanted you. You'll see the smoke curl out of my little mouth as I smile up at you. I hope you know, know, know. 

You'll be getting ready to leave, but you won't want to. I'll roll on the bed, smiling up at you, toying with my lip, teasing you about leaving. You'll sigh in defeat. You'll get into bed once more, and we'll love, love, love and sleep and love some more. You know your kisses are forever my favourite breakfast. Joy Division will play in the background and half full tea cups will be left on the bedside. We'll love and talk about death while we love. I'll kiss your scars, your scars. I'll make you feel better. In fact, no, I'll just make you better, you'll be okay when you're with me, and even long after I'm gone, sweetheart, I'll make you okay, you'll be better, you'll be okay, even if I'm not here anymore, I promise. You are my mission, my heart, my murderer, my favourite flavoured pizza, you are the sun, the moon, the stars, you are the first drag of a cigarette, you are the last rolo, you are getting into bed with shaved legs, you are the ultimate thing to me. Ultimate sensation. You enlighten my senses, you set them ablaze, they burn, burn, burn.

I want controversy. I want to piss people off. I want people to say "She's with him?" or "he's with her?" I want people to talk, and you know they will nonetheless, so I would want us to lap it up, play along with it. What use is a love story if there is no one around to critcise it? It'll last a month they say, but they don't know, they don't know about us, about you, about I.

They're not supposed to know.

Do you know how difficult it is? To love someone who won't believe it? I'm the girl who's sat back and watched you be hurt, over and over, your heart breaking, my heart breaking. You get jealous over me, and why? Shall I spend the rest of my life as your fool? Bottling up my emotions, my wants, my needs, my yearnings for you? Not even you know how I can only get to sleep if I imagine you holding me, those arms around me, protecting my body, protecting my soul...

I hate how vulnerable you make me feel. You can crush me with a few words and leave me hanging for hours without giving any care. I miss you. I even miss you hurting me, it feels raw like a fresh wound, like I'm rubbing salt in it more salt, salt, salt. What am I supposed to do? I love the hurt, I love you. You broke me. You left me. Now you're back and I'm smitten again. It was fine before you came back, but it won't be fine if you leave again. I'm in so deep, deep, deep. Drowning under the ocean of a bittersweet love. Everyone knows if you are rough with such a fragile element, it breaks, tell me, are we broken? Broken?

I need a chance, a little tiny chance, I don't get chances very often, but you're the one that matters.

I want, want, you.