What is Love? (Baby don't hurt me)

Of course the definition of such a word is relevant to an individual. To some a relationship may be more sexual, to others the intercourse takes time. To me though, relationships are something deeper. Something that should go beyond the sexual feelings and the "I-I like like you" shameful displays. 

If any of you reading this blog follow or have me added on Facebook, you will know I make such a big deal out if relationships and you will also know I get much abuse because of my alleged "desperation". 

Now it's difficult to explain in a status update, mainly because a) nobody gives that much care to read (it appears to me that the only statuses that grab real attention are the ones that are ironic and controversial not necessarily explanatory) and b) I started this blog to explain and enlighten those who care about me enough to read my blog. 

I don't have many friends who I meet up with on a regular basis perhaps 2 or 3 at most and while I do enjoy the company of my friends, they have their own lives, own partners and own commitments. When I'm in a relationship the feeling of loneliness goes away because someone finally has an excuse to make the effort with me and come over to see me

And gosh! What joy! I enjoy making 2 cups of tea instead of 1, I enjoy asking how many sugars and how much milk, I love making 2 sandwiches. I love taking care of someone else.

Perhaps this desire is driven by the fact some say I love somewhat selfishly. They are to an extent correct. I do live for me, myself, my wants, my needs and perhaps my bluntness and honesty flows before I consider someone else's feelings. I smoke, I drink, I'm a bit outspoken, a bit controversial- I don't want to change no but I do recognise my faults and I also recognise how less selfish I feel in relationships and perhaps this is selfish again of me, which leaves me in an oxymoron, nonetheless the best kind of oxymoron. 

However I cannot avoid the influence  reading has had on my expectations of love. I'm a lot more widely read than people give me credit for. Most of my vocabulary, morals and knowledge come from books. I prefer to interpret books and apply them to my own life instead of being told what to do by someone middle aged and who has had different life experiences to me and has a different mindset. From a young age my parents got me reading, even making up their own stories to tell me before bed, which has later on encouraged me to engage in a passion for writing and begin my own novels. 

I know that love does not always have happy endings, I know that love is not always easy but I also know that love will never be as blissful as a John Green novel nor as downbeat as Wuthering Heights. 

My mother and I once got onto the subject of marriage when I mentioned I wanted a Jurassic Park themed wedding to which she replied about how she was pleased to see that her and my fathers separation hadn't had an impact on my views of marriage. 

But it has. Everyone who knows me knows I despise marriage. Perhaps I always have and just never thought about it until the separation. What was once a religious and eternal promise is now a piece of paper torn up by people at their own free will. People may as well not get married. I explained this to my mother along with a monologue of how I don't want a man to tie me down, how I could earn so much money yet have to halve it with a man when he wakes up one day and decides he does not love me anymore. She told me that I don't believe in monogamy but this is also incorrect. 

Then it occurred to me that I do believe in monogamy and that marriage is still a massive COULD HAPPEN in my life (God help that hypothetical man) but I did not believe in eternity, I did not believe it's last forever. People fall in and out of love all the time. Love does exist but does eternal love? 

And this is my issue because we cannot distinguish between the two. We always consider love as eternal when we are with someone, but when they leave we spend time sobbing to Bridget Jones movies with ice cream in Jammies convincing ourselves "it'll never happen again". 

But it does. 

Which makes me realise it is not love I want but I want perhaps the predicates of love. I want consistency, I want affection, I want someone "there", I want passion, I want late night conversations, I want to smoke and watch the stars, I want to cuddle up in a jumper and knee highs and watch lame movies, I want cute dates, I want hot sex, I want a happy ever after. 

But do I want love? No. 

Because you can fake love throughout the whole thing. I want proof. I want sufficient evidence. I study philosophy and love is just an outdated theodicy. I don't want anymore "I love you :) I mean it!" because it is not meant, because we both know one day you'll get bored and leave. 

If there should ever come a time where I go into a relationship with someone and they take me out for my favourite food, take me home, lay a bed of roses, put Jurassic Park on, give the rough love we both need and then let me smoke in bed in his t shirt and nothing more, then wake up, put his boxers on and nothing more to make him bacon and if he appreciates it, then yes I will eat my words, I will scream it to the heavens, why as the saying goes I will even "eat my own hat" but until that time I will leave with a Shakespeare quote: "I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear he loves me".