Aftermath

Bit of movies, oodles of pizza, awkward hand holding, where are we going to go from here?

Still lost in your eyes, want your hand on mine, when did it get like this, my dear?

You never even saw the worst of me yet

But still looked for alternatives to get your umbrella wet

Was my rain not good enough? Not wet enough? Did it fail to soak through your clothes?

And now so early, you have to experience the part of me that everybody loathes.

Everything was perfect, was clear, blue skies

Now you've made it more difficult to distinguish between the truth and the lies

Maybe it's not a big deal, maybe I'm to blame

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe you're not mine to tame.

I still love you, though I hate how much I do,

It's impossible to hate you, even through the abominable things you do

My love will push you away more, than my hate every could,

And I suppose you'll consequently end up doing things, you said you never would.

You crushed my ego, you bruised my soul, you made me not like me,

You tamed the shrew, you had your fun, now you stare but you don't see

It might go back to how it was, but you don't even seemed to have learned anything,

You say forever, but you didn't even last a month before you wanted to hear another girl sing.

I cannot be with somebody, who insists on dimming my shine, 

And who cannot see through the consistent lie "I'm fine"

You'll never understand, though I thought you would

Left me on my own, stuck in the mud,

They tell me I'm crazy, that I'm stupid, I shouldn't go back there,
They send all sorts of attacks and try to pass off that they care.
Now I have to watch other people be happy,
Now I have to watch people I loathe be sappy.
Left alone to my own devices,
I once again come to face to face with my vices.
You wonder why I don't tell you what's swarming my mind,
I won't tell you or let you in because I'm scared of what you'll find,
Masses of storms, tornadoes, rain
All thrashing down on a city of pain.
You don't know about it, I made sure of that,
Tried to make myself perfect, even got rid of some fat.
Now I'm sat
Writing a woeful
Fu
cking poem
About how you used to love me
And how I still love you
Rhyming is boring
Sentences too long
Can't
Frog
Umbrella
Crocodile
King
Swear
You think I'm going to be okay?
Because you're wrong
There's a lot you don't know,
A lot you won't ever know.
I'm not usually okay
You made it okay
Then you took that okay away
And now I'm not okay no way
Not even my lame rhyming scheme can deny
The feeling of content when in your arms I lie,
Do I bore you?
I bore myself
Maybe thats why you went to Whats Her Face...
Does she bore you?
Did you speak about much else?
Do you know her favourite colour?
Do you know mine?
Purple by the way
I told you the first time we spoke
And you thought I was weird for asking about favourite colours
I guess that bored you a little bit.
Can we work through this?
Are you worth working through this?
Hand on heart, am I worth working through this?
Trust has broken, trust must be repaired,
Our hearts are on the floor beaten and snared.
You broke my heart
And through it broke your own
Face this aftermath
I'm not a force to be reckoned with
I'm not a fool
Nor a foe
Aftermath will be large, confusing and it might sting a little
But it's what you get for hurting the girl who enjoys the aftermath.

Cheat

Ego says drop it. Make it stop. You're doing it to yourself. You are who you are and you made me and I'll protect  you. Ego says I'm better. Better than a lot of what I get. Do I deserve more? Probably not, I'm shitty, but that doesn't mean I can front like I do deserve more. Ego finds his clothes, tells me to burn them, bonfire, marshmallows, jolly old time. Ego finds him pitiful, inconsiderate. Ego reminds me of the first finding of the messages on your computer screen. Ego reminds me how the visions and the hopes crashed and burned as it captured my breath. Ego reminds me you stole the happiness, you did, not me. Ego reminds me that you were worried about me doing this to you. This pain I wouldn't wish on anything.

Head tells me to man up, you're a smart girl. How is it that you can know so much grammar and go so deep into linguistics yet crash and burn when it comes to men? Head tells me to love, to run, to not look back. Tells me to pack up your shit into a bag and post it as soon as I can. It reminds me of the dumbass Christmas present I got you, reminds me of all the empty memories you imprinted on me. Reminds me to never let myself forget this pain, this hurt before I fall for anybody again, let alone fall for you again. Head tells me to write it all down in a crappy little blog like somehow expressing thoughts on a computer screen will help. Maybe it won't help. Maybe it will. I'll try anything to ease this. Ease what you did to me.

Heart grapples with logic, heart throws it out the window, heart screams to me as it pounds in my chest. Heart hurts. Heart feels, it touches, it breathes, it stops breathing, it does acrobats. Heart doesn't know what to do. Heart is more honest than the other parts of me. Heart wants to help- it really does- but doesn't know how, it can't find the words. Heart tells me to do what love wants to me to, to find his clothes, put them on, wrap up, turn off the light, and go back to the place, that I love the most. To lose myself in you, once again. To dream of the you that only ever wanted to me, the you that's a distant thought to me now. I muse about you, and what to do.

There have been disruptions of my trust, over the past few years. The nudes, the lies, the backstabbing. I think you'd understand, more than anybody, that, I needed you more than anyone. You have a past too, and maybe that's your justification for this. I suppose I have more hope than you. No matter how bleak it was ever for me, I would get ice cream and a Disney film and realise Prince Charming will be on his way. But what does a girl do, when Prince Charming, is a Dom, who wants other girls, to gag on his fat cock? When he lets Cinderella, slip from his mind, asks another girl, to show him a good time? The future is distorted, your face is too. Remember that game you like, Five Nights at What's His Face's? Or something, or other? Well sweetheart is this special night, night 8, the monster you. I had all cameras up, before this popped up in my face. Stupid of me not to close the door.

While I hate you more than I breathe, I love you more than I respire. The trust is gone now I'm stuck in a wayward labyrinth. No one can make this decision for me. No one. Not even you. Frankly there are too many sides to me, for this decision to be easy. If I was logical I'd be gone, if I was irrational I'd stay. If I was neither I'd be the confused mess I am now. Wishing to wake up. This was all a nightmare, right? You're my perfect, my master, my baby, my muffin, my lover, my protector, my boyfriend, but you're also a cheat.