The realisation that I could slip off social media tomorrow
and no second soul would give me a second thought
i would be a memory on a timeline
a grey picture in somebody's mind
vanished from tagged photos
nothing more nor less
no texts or visits asking where ive gone or why
The realisation that i could die alone here
and nobody would find me for days
i could be on the sofa or floor or shower
a grey angel
vanished from consciousness
nothing more nor less
no texts or visits asking where ive gone or why
It wouldnt even be on purpose- people die for all sorts of reasons
Talking to somebody then suddenly freaking out about aneurysms
Why aneurysms they are so rare but if they happen i would just drop dead
and i wouldnt have made any change to this world
Talking to somebody and i remember a nasty comment from 5 years ago
and my mind and my eyes glaze over and there is nothing but the greyness from those times
Lying in bed and dwelling over misjudgements i made when i was a kid
wondering if i should have known better or not
remembering how vulnerable i was
wondering if i am still
vulnerable
or not
could i face what i did back then
now
or not
i am tired
tired,
tired
tired;
the tiredness doesnt stop, i could nap for 20 hours and not miss a single thing and
not a single thing
would miss me
I am tired of feeling like
i am having a heart attack
when it is just a panic attack
knowing i am a drama queen
but not being able to stop
I am tired of feeling like
i am a burden
i am weak
i am resilient yet weak
so weak
I am tired of feeling like
a failure, even though everything surrounding me is success
being discontent with mediocre when mediocre is the safety i desperately crave
I am tired of
nobody listening
its like you scream into the vortex at the top of your lungs
and even the hummingbirds can hear you
but they don't even stir
I am tired of
trying to fix myself
with no support
nobody proud of me but me
but if i am proud of me
am i being too proud
arrogance is disliked
but nobody liked me when i was insecure either
i love myself
and yet im not happy
but im not unhappy about that
do i think i deserve it deep down? maybe
but why
i dont know why a million reasons maybe
but a million reasons why i don't deserve it too
Go to therapy and make friends
maybe if i could tolerate people
but i cant
because i know theyll leave
they turn against me
then they leave
i am boring
so boring
i get fallen asleep on so much
and i cant sleep
i lie there, kept awake by the silence
deafening
silence
of knowing
how
boring
i am
having so much to say
and wanting to discuss
to be brushed off and dismissed
i have nobody to talk to
except the odd blog or post
on which people will pretend
to pity me
but i wish they wouldnt pity me
im actually the most content ive been
but my anxiety
and loneliness
are very bad
when i am good
i am excellent
when i am bad, i am bad
when i am anxious, i am anxious, i am anxious, i am anxious
You are putting it on
mostly you put it on
get over it you are strong
i am trying why cant you see
i am trying and i need your help
just chill out
just chill out
cheer up
cheer up
i am trying
but you cannot get better
if nobody helps you acknowledge the problem
I am boring and i am anxious and i am tired
i start therapy soon
and i hope somebody reading this is proud of me
because it has been years in the making
i should have signed up years ago
instead of indulging
bad habits that haunt my nerves, cloud my gorgeous starry skies
cloud my eyes when the bad days come
i cant spill secrets here
but i wish i could
just know im ok
im just anxious, tired, and lonely
and if you are anxious, tired and lonely
you are ok too
we arent very well
but there is a cure
and we can do it
at a distance, behind computer screens, lying in bed early on the weekends, listening to the same depressing music
at a pub drinking oneself blind, going home with strangers to feel something
we can do it
even if the rest of the world thinks we cant
and no second soul would give me a second thought
i would be a memory on a timeline
a grey picture in somebody's mind
vanished from tagged photos
nothing more nor less
no texts or visits asking where ive gone or why
The realisation that i could die alone here
and nobody would find me for days
i could be on the sofa or floor or shower
a grey angel
vanished from consciousness
nothing more nor less
no texts or visits asking where ive gone or why
It wouldnt even be on purpose- people die for all sorts of reasons
Talking to somebody then suddenly freaking out about aneurysms
Why aneurysms they are so rare but if they happen i would just drop dead
and i wouldnt have made any change to this world
Talking to somebody and i remember a nasty comment from 5 years ago
and my mind and my eyes glaze over and there is nothing but the greyness from those times
Lying in bed and dwelling over misjudgements i made when i was a kid
wondering if i should have known better or not
remembering how vulnerable i was
wondering if i am still
vulnerable
or not
could i face what i did back then
now
or not
i am tired
tired,
tired
tired;
the tiredness doesnt stop, i could nap for 20 hours and not miss a single thing and
not a single thing
would miss me
I am tired of feeling like
i am having a heart attack
when it is just a panic attack
knowing i am a drama queen
but not being able to stop
I am tired of feeling like
i am a burden
i am weak
i am resilient yet weak
so weak
I am tired of feeling like
a failure, even though everything surrounding me is success
being discontent with mediocre when mediocre is the safety i desperately crave
I am tired of
nobody listening
its like you scream into the vortex at the top of your lungs
and even the hummingbirds can hear you
but they don't even stir
I am tired of
trying to fix myself
with no support
nobody proud of me but me
but if i am proud of me
am i being too proud
arrogance is disliked
but nobody liked me when i was insecure either
i love myself
and yet im not happy
but im not unhappy about that
do i think i deserve it deep down? maybe
but why
i dont know why a million reasons maybe
but a million reasons why i don't deserve it too
Go to therapy and make friends
maybe if i could tolerate people
but i cant
because i know theyll leave
they turn against me
then they leave
i am boring
so boring
i get fallen asleep on so much
and i cant sleep
i lie there, kept awake by the silence
deafening
silence
of knowing
how
boring
i am
having so much to say
and wanting to discuss
to be brushed off and dismissed
i have nobody to talk to
except the odd blog or post
on which people will pretend
to pity me
but i wish they wouldnt pity me
im actually the most content ive been
but my anxiety
and loneliness
are very bad
when i am good
i am excellent
when i am bad, i am bad
when i am anxious, i am anxious, i am anxious, i am anxious
You are putting it on
mostly you put it on
get over it you are strong
i am trying why cant you see
i am trying and i need your help
just chill out
just chill out
cheer up
cheer up
i am trying
but you cannot get better
if nobody helps you acknowledge the problem
I am boring and i am anxious and i am tired
i start therapy soon
and i hope somebody reading this is proud of me
because it has been years in the making
i should have signed up years ago
instead of indulging
bad habits that haunt my nerves, cloud my gorgeous starry skies
cloud my eyes when the bad days come
i cant spill secrets here
but i wish i could
just know im ok
im just anxious, tired, and lonely
and if you are anxious, tired and lonely
you are ok too
we arent very well
but there is a cure
and we can do it
at a distance, behind computer screens, lying in bed early on the weekends, listening to the same depressing music
at a pub drinking oneself blind, going home with strangers to feel something
we can do it
even if the rest of the world thinks we cant
