Depious

The realisation that I could slip off social media tomorrow
and no second soul would give me a second thought
i would be a memory on a timeline
a grey picture in somebody's mind
vanished from tagged photos
nothing more nor less
no texts or visits asking where ive gone or why
The realisation that i could die alone here
and nobody would find me for days
i could be on the sofa or floor or shower
a grey angel
vanished from consciousness
nothing more nor less
no texts or visits asking where ive gone or why
It wouldnt even be on purpose- people die for all sorts of reasons
Talking to somebody then suddenly freaking out about aneurysms
Why aneurysms they are so rare but if they happen i would just drop dead
and i wouldnt have made any change to this world
Talking to somebody and i remember a nasty comment from 5 years ago
and my mind and my eyes glaze over and there is nothing but the greyness from those times
Lying in bed and dwelling over misjudgements i made when i was a kid
wondering if i should have known better or not
remembering how vulnerable i was
wondering if i am still
vulnerable
or not
could i face what i did back then
now
or not
i am tired
tired,
tired
tired;
the tiredness doesnt stop, i could nap for 20 hours and not miss a single thing and
not a single thing
would miss me
I am tired of feeling like
i am having a heart attack
when it is just a panic attack
knowing i am a drama queen
but not being able to stop
I am tired of feeling like
i am a burden
i am weak
i am resilient yet weak
so weak
I am tired of feeling like
a failure, even though everything surrounding me is success
being discontent with mediocre when mediocre is the safety i desperately crave
I am tired of
nobody listening
its like you scream into the vortex at the top of your lungs
and even the hummingbirds can hear you
but they don't even stir
I am tired of
trying to fix myself
with no support
nobody proud of me but me
but if i am proud of me
am i being too proud
arrogance is disliked
but nobody liked me when i was insecure either
i love myself
and yet im not happy
but im not unhappy about that
do i think i deserve it deep down? maybe
but why
i dont know why a million reasons maybe
but a million reasons why i don't deserve it too
Go to therapy and make friends
maybe if i could tolerate people
but i cant
because i know theyll leave
they turn against me
then they leave
i am boring
so boring
i get fallen asleep on so much
and i cant sleep
i lie there, kept awake by the silence
deafening
silence
of knowing
how
boring
i am
having so much to say
and wanting to discuss
to be brushed off and dismissed
i have nobody to talk to
except the odd blog or post
on which people will pretend
to pity me
but i wish they wouldnt pity me
im actually the most content ive been
but my anxiety
and loneliness
are very bad
when i am good
i am excellent
when i am bad, i am bad
when i am anxious, i am anxious, i am anxious, i am anxious
You are putting it on
mostly you put it on
get over it you are strong
i am trying why cant you see
i am trying and i need your help
just chill out
just chill out
cheer up
cheer up
i am trying
but you cannot get better
if nobody helps you acknowledge the problem
I am boring and i am anxious and i am tired
i start therapy soon
and i hope somebody reading this is proud of me
because it has been years in the making
i should have signed up years ago
instead of indulging
bad habits that haunt my nerves, cloud my gorgeous starry skies
cloud my eyes when the bad days come
i cant spill secrets here
but i wish i could
just know im ok
im just anxious, tired, and lonely
and if you are anxious, tired and lonely
you are ok too
we arent very well
but there is a cure
and we can do it
at a distance, behind computer screens, lying in bed early on the weekends, listening to the same depressing music
at a pub drinking oneself blind, going home with strangers to feel something
we can do it
even if the rest of the world thinks we cant