Some nights it's like you won't ever see the light again
Like the ebony black of the night has strangled the lightest part of your soul
Like your eyes are greyer around the edges than they used to be
And your smile doesn't reach your eyes like it used to
And some nights it feels like you won't wake up at all
Like some nights its not right if you do wake up
Gosh some nights I'm burdening other people's existence
Some nights I plague my own
And some nights I get attacked by my own past
And some nights there's no where I can turn
Some nights I'm left with keyboard and blog
And one night four years ago
I fucked up the happy future I could have had
And at the time I was so blind, so stupid
So naive,
That I couldn't and didn't know better
Entrusted myself into a man who
Called me beautiful, the first person to make me feel human, to make me feel something less than a monster
Nobody will know what it was like to be that kid
Bullied, spotty, fat, insecure, different,
I wasn't skinny, pretty or flaky like the other girls
And to this day I'm still not
I'm different
Some nights, I am that girl, watching the faces of men turn into the faces of wolves in a sheer blink of an eye,
But some nights I don't bow to he who calls me beautiful with a wink emoji
Because he's lying
I won't be that girl anymore
But frankly where I am is my own damn fault
And frankly some nights I'm sick of it, I make myself sick, and I vex myself
Some nights it's not damn fair that I get crucified for something that wasn't my sin
Some nights battling the war zone in my own mind is a fucking lost battle
Some nights I wonder why I even bother at all
Why I don't just give in
Because frankly nobody knows what it's like to try with people
Just to get shunned because of your train wreck of a past
And I'm sick of the thoughts spiralling in my head
That people don't even know they caused
Or care that they caused
Some nights there is a hand reaching from the darkness
Telling me it's okay, asking me to come with it
But I shun it
I need to deal with myself, I won't burden anyone else, my mistake was mine, and no I don't want to share, I don't want you to fix me or save me, I'm not asking for salvation, I'm asking for you to love me as I am, but no one ever could so
I shun it away
I shun every hope and chance of getting better away
Because anybody who gets close enough,
To helping me get better
Is threatened
By the monster in me
Some nights metamorphism doesn't just exist in Gothic novels
Sometimes it exists in our mind
Some nights the monsters under our bed
Cannot possibly compete with the ones in our head
Ugh I love your writing! It's so beautiful<3
ReplyDeletethank you :)
DeleteJess, you are beautiful, I can never ask you to change, nor to bring up your past if it makes you feel horrible, I understand that it can be hard for you because of all of this, that people made you lose faith and in turn made you feel like you don't want to waste time and in turn lose patience, I hope you take solace in what I have been saying to you, I'm not much of a man of words and I understand that no amount of letters put together is going to help, but I am always here for you and I am always going to stay unless you want me to go, I know these are blogs but maybe they speak truth, I am more than willing to be with you as much as I can be, as a friend, neither of us doesn't have to be sat behind a screen if you much prefer to be in the open world, you tell me it's okay that we don't but I would like to if you do, remember what I told you about that psycho mum in my past relationship? Yeah, that happened half way through and I still stuck around, yeah I was threatened, yeah I was scared but I carried on cos of the girl....That's in the past though and it doesn't matter, but the point of that was, I would fight to help, I know I keep saying this but as long as you don't forget, you always have me, you matter to me, whenever you're down and upset, I'm a phone call away, you don't have to change for me or for anyone else and someone will love you for you, I promise you that there will be, if not already, just don't forget to talk to me...I hate saying things like this a lot because it does lose value after a certain amount of times and it can get frustrating being told over and over so, I know you know but it's just a reminder, I won't judge you and I'm here to stay, you have a friend right here, I am anxious on your reaction towards this.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, it's a good blog :)