Cheat

Ego says drop it. Make it stop. You're doing it to yourself. You are who you are and you made me and I'll protect  you. Ego says I'm better. Better than a lot of what I get. Do I deserve more? Probably not, I'm shitty, but that doesn't mean I can front like I do deserve more. Ego finds his clothes, tells me to burn them, bonfire, marshmallows, jolly old time. Ego finds him pitiful, inconsiderate. Ego reminds me of the first finding of the messages on your computer screen. Ego reminds me how the visions and the hopes crashed and burned as it captured my breath. Ego reminds me you stole the happiness, you did, not me. Ego reminds me that you were worried about me doing this to you. This pain I wouldn't wish on anything.

Head tells me to man up, you're a smart girl. How is it that you can know so much grammar and go so deep into linguistics yet crash and burn when it comes to men? Head tells me to love, to run, to not look back. Tells me to pack up your shit into a bag and post it as soon as I can. It reminds me of the dumbass Christmas present I got you, reminds me of all the empty memories you imprinted on me. Reminds me to never let myself forget this pain, this hurt before I fall for anybody again, let alone fall for you again. Head tells me to write it all down in a crappy little blog like somehow expressing thoughts on a computer screen will help. Maybe it won't help. Maybe it will. I'll try anything to ease this. Ease what you did to me.

Heart grapples with logic, heart throws it out the window, heart screams to me as it pounds in my chest. Heart hurts. Heart feels, it touches, it breathes, it stops breathing, it does acrobats. Heart doesn't know what to do. Heart is more honest than the other parts of me. Heart wants to help- it really does- but doesn't know how, it can't find the words. Heart tells me to do what love wants to me to, to find his clothes, put them on, wrap up, turn off the light, and go back to the place, that I love the most. To lose myself in you, once again. To dream of the you that only ever wanted to me, the you that's a distant thought to me now. I muse about you, and what to do.

There have been disruptions of my trust, over the past few years. The nudes, the lies, the backstabbing. I think you'd understand, more than anybody, that, I needed you more than anyone. You have a past too, and maybe that's your justification for this. I suppose I have more hope than you. No matter how bleak it was ever for me, I would get ice cream and a Disney film and realise Prince Charming will be on his way. But what does a girl do, when Prince Charming, is a Dom, who wants other girls, to gag on his fat cock? When he lets Cinderella, slip from his mind, asks another girl, to show him a good time? The future is distorted, your face is too. Remember that game you like, Five Nights at What's His Face's? Or something, or other? Well sweetheart is this special night, night 8, the monster you. I had all cameras up, before this popped up in my face. Stupid of me not to close the door.

While I hate you more than I breathe, I love you more than I respire. The trust is gone now I'm stuck in a wayward labyrinth. No one can make this decision for me. No one. Not even you. Frankly there are too many sides to me, for this decision to be easy. If I was logical I'd be gone, if I was irrational I'd stay. If I was neither I'd be the confused mess I am now. Wishing to wake up. This was all a nightmare, right? You're my perfect, my master, my baby, my muffin, my lover, my protector, my boyfriend, but you're also a cheat.