We all have our pasts. We all have things we're not proud of. The Sublime gives us the idea that the highest amount of pain will always be more intense than the highest amount of pleasure. It's true. We think of a bad memory and we get a twisting in our stomach, it will linger and haunt and the more you try not to think about it, the more intense the memory becomes, but we do a nod and acknowledging smile at a good memory. Nothing more. It's human nonetheless. The person sat next to you on the bus has their own dismal souvenirs. Just not everybody carries them around. Some people lock their momentos in a closet. Closed forever. Untouched.
The only way we can conquer our hauntings is if we find peace within ourselves. If we accept and love ourselves. It's difficult. It could take years. Years of looking in the mirror and not liking what you see. Years of pain, heartache, crying on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere wondering where it went wrong and where your saviour is.
Frankly, most spend time waiting for their saviour and end up in a vegetated state. You forget to live while waiting. You forget that you cannot save yourself. You can.
You may suffer at the harsh hand of injustice. You might get horrible looks, obscene rumours spread about you and your name might crop up frequently in a dark light. It might get to you. It might make you doubt your worth, your existence, the purity of your soul.
It's unfair that you should suffer because of someone else's insecurity. This is where you can acquire the upper hand. This is where you become secure. You look at yourself in the mirror and begin to pick out the features you like, your pretty features. We both know you have them. Do you fear pride? Do you find terror in the possibility of being called pretentious? What is wrong with these attributes? What is actually wrong with liking yourself?
The only way to be happy is to be content. If there's an aspect of your life you don't like, change it. If it's not tangible then try and find a little joy in it. Smile more. Dress in what you like to wear. Don't listen to anybody else. Jealousy makes the nicest people spiteful. It's difficult. Sometimes the voices surround you, you drown.
Injustice affects everybody, on all sorts of scales. How can it be that the most horrible of people are the most liked? Fear. Tell me, would you rather people be friends with you because they actually like you, or because they're scared you'll turn on them?
You are not alone. You are not half as bad as you think, or as everyone makes you out to be. We have pasts, we make mistakes, but it is how we utilise these mistakes that makes us who we are. Be proud of who you are. You've made it this far, it's time to be happy, it's time to throw in the towel on self hate. It's time to live, it's time to breathe. You have not tasted the air if you have not ever loved yourself. Your past is who you were. It's time to focus on who you are. Hauntings come and go, but their a lot less nauseating when you begin to enjoy them.
People who make you feel like you're worth something will come and go. It's what people do. Their indecisive. They're temperamental. You are too in someways but we don't see it ourselves. We are not inconsistent when it comes to our own being. You will always be there for yourself. While it is indeed possible to break your own heart, you are also the only one with the power to mend it again.
Love yourself and love others. If you suffer because of others, love them even more. Be bigger than them. Be better. Don't just aspire, inspire too. Inspire yourself and you'll begin to inspire others. True beauty comes from confidence, which comes from liking who you actually are.
Make that change today. "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent".
You're a soldier in the battle against your hauntings, so fight.
*You are a soldier
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